Since I had a homebirth with my 2nd baby, I revisit the labor and birth daily as I move through the house cleaning or walking through. Memories come in flashes and I find that I’m ‘attached’ more to certain pieces of furniture and rooms now.
I love my glider, which allowed me to …. glide through transition [sorry, couldn't help it].
Most of the memories are fuzzily beautiful. But I have some that make m sad… disappointed in myself.
First let me express how incredibly blessed I was and am to have had a VBAC. Stastics were on my side, but I know (personally and internetly) many women who weren’t able to VBAC for various reasons, even though they really desired that birth. So because I’ve been so touched by their lives and their stories, I feel guilty for being disappointed in parts of my experience.
My disappintments all are in myself. I’m disappointed that I fought the contractions for so long. I really fought them…. just couldn’t relax my body. I’d tighten my behind, hips, and thighs and “go limp” everywhere else, but I couldn’t let go. It caused a lot of pain (silly me, I thought I was helping myself) and I imagine a lot of extra hours. I’m also embarrassed that at some of my verbalizations. I was really into the vocal toning during labor and my doula was great at encouraging the ahhh and ohhh sounds. But many of mine were big fat NOOOOOOOOOOhhhhhh’s. I hated it then, but justified it to myseld that it was still a vowel and probably still worked.
I was very “comfortable” on my hands and knees and labored much of my time that way. That’s how I pushed the baby out, too. My midwife gave me the opportunity to feel Bella’s head when she was crowning… and I wanted to… and I started to. But I needed to push again and at the time I felt like that should take priority. But looking back, I wish I had. (does it matter in the long run? no, not really. but i still wish i had)
And because I was on my hands and knees, I didn’t get to reach down and pick up the baby and bring her to my chest. Now, don’t get me wrong, my midwife gave her right to me and didn’t keep her for a nanosecond, but in my ideals, maybe I could have caught her myself?? But because I was so in love with the hands and knees position, I think that if anyone had suggested a change in position so that I could watch the baby come out or pick her up, I probably would have thought her to be crazy. Why mess with a good position?
I’m sitting in my kitchen right now, about in the exact spot where Bella was born. At that time, our table was pushed against the wall, making room for our birth pool. But with everything in it’s place, I’m just a few inches from where my daughter entered the world, and that’s pretty cool.
It’s a nice thing to reflect on through the day. While I may have some disappointments in my own behavior, the only true regret I have is not choosing homebirth from the start.
